Miss– Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Dennis Quaid, Sela Ward

The Day After Tomorrow brings the audience back to the ice age. A global warming threat is lurking and the only one to save us is Dennis Quaid. I think the best part of this movie was when one of the characters actually out-ran air. That is physically impossible but apparently in Hollywood, anything of the impossible is certainly possible. This movie was all over the board and you didn’t really have any feelings for any of the characters. Movie trailers can sometimes give away the entire movie, but in this particular case, the trailers showed you everything that was disasterous of this movie. Bottom Line: I expected this movie to be one hour and a half of disaster and a half an hour of drama. Instead I was left with a half an hour of disaster and an hour and a half of drama. No thank you.

Best Scene: When a giant tidal wave takes over NYC.

Rated PG-13 for intense situations of peril.
Action
Running Time: 2 hours 4 minutes

Photos © 20th Century Fox. All Rights Reserved.

Miss (big time) - Starring Kate Hudson, John Corbett, Joan Cusack

The series of events that comprise this film are painfully contrived. Had I not been trapped on a 5 hour plane flight over the pacific ocean there would have been no way for me to make it through this film. The fact that the left speaker on my airline supplied ear torture devices did not seem to work also did nothing to help this film out.

About half way into this movie I was struck by the nagging thought the only reason Kate Hudson took this role because she felt that somehow it would prepare her for motherhood. It’s akin to a couple having ducks as a test drive for child rearing. I comprehend the urge that drives this sort of behavior, but I fail to understand it.

Sometimes I wonder how a movie like this manages to get made. Actually I don’t wonder at all, but I need some sort of clever means into a notable quote from the film that will shed some light on this conundrum. Upon being hired as receptionist at a “previously owned” car lot, Helen announces over the dealership loudspeaker, “Helen to payroll.” And to payroll she went, it seems that Kate Hudson was paid in the neighborhood or 7 million dollars to appear in this film.

Kate is undeniably attractive and a talented actress, but I don’t think anything could have saved this movie other then the possible addition of a post humorous cameo by Charles Bronson because quite frankly he kicked some major ass. In fact if Jean-Claude Van Damme, who was once sued for “willfully” gouging the eye of an extra in a sword fight while filming, and Charles Bronson met in a dark alley about half way into this film, it could have possibly swayed this reviewer, but alas there was no such encounter and the world continues to turn around the sun.

I’m gonna stop kicking this horse as it appears to have passed some time ago not to mention the plane must land and I have to turn the computer off or risk being branded an international agent of terror and possibly a threat to homeland security.

Best Scene: When the sisters wore red step pyramid Devo Hats and sung along to the song “whip it,” because a “whip-it” is also a method for obtaining a nitrous oxide high. And a nitrous oxide high, much like this movie can cause long term side effects such as: loss of motor control, inability to walk, numbness in the limbs, and most alarming, vitamin B12 depletion.

Rated: PG-13 for thematic issues involving teens.
Comedy and Romance (a.k.a. Hollywood pilfering of movie goers)
Running Time: 1 hr. 59 min.

Photo © Touchstone Pictures. All Rights Reserved.

Hit– Voices provided by: Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz, Julie Andrews, John Cleese, Antonio Banderas

Shrek 2 is another sequel that does not compare to the original but it does stand alone as a movie of good laughs and lots of fun. In this movie, newlyweds Shrek and Fiona are invited to spend some time with Fiona’s family. Chaos ensues when Fiona’s family realizes that she has turned into a female ogre. The one thing that was really shocking to me was that this movie had many gay/homosexual references that I felt were not appropriate for a children’s movie. Aside from the inappropriate context (which I am sure most children would not be able to pick up on) there were many pop culture and Los Angeles based references. The part I liked most about the movie was Puss and Boots, voiced by Antonio Banderas. Puss is a likeable character that cannot resist making friends with Shrek and Donkey. Bottom Line: A comedy for adults and children alike.

Best Scene: Anytime Puss puts on his sad kitten face (meaning he is ready to pounce someone).

Rated PG for some crude humor, a brief substance reference and some suggestive content.
Running Time: 1 hour 32 minutes

Miss - Starring Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, Eric Bana. Directed by Wolfgang Petersen.

A skewed version of Homer’s epic tale , even Brad Pitt’s beautiful face couldn’t save this story. The basic story joins Troy’s Prince Paris (Bloom) and his love affair with the Greek Helen. This affair causes a great fury in the heart of Helen’s husband Menelaus (king of Sparta). In conclusion the two nations go to war. The Greeks, led by Agamemnon, head to Troy in order to bring down the town and reclaim Helen. This is all truly poetic but the problem lies in the purity of the story. I understand that some elements are changed due to entertainment value but come on! This is a classic tale that has been run into the ground by Wolfgang and his posse. I am sorry. Why, why, why? Leave the Greek tales alone. You think that just because you put some pretty people in your pictures you can do whatever you want with the storyline? That is not the way the world works. P.S. Your computer graphics suck, stop trying to make us think it’s real.

Best Scene: When Achilles kills Hector. But then it is all put to shame when he does not drag him by the chariot around the palace for many days, as in the book.

Rated R for graphic violence and some sexuality/nudity.
Drama / Action
Running Time: 2 hours 43 minutes

Photo © Warner Bros. Pictures. All Rights Reserved.

Hit– Starring Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale

When vampires are a problem, who are you gonna call? Van Helsing! That’s right kids, the famous Van Helsing is back to fight the bad guys and he is hotter than ever. This isn’t your Bram Stoker’s Dracula Francis Ford Coppola Anthony Hopkins Van Helsing. This is your booty kicking, Wolverine style, Hugh Jackman Van Helsing. Point is, this movie takes you on a ride set in the 19th century Eastern Europe area. Van Helsing has come to the area to battle Count Dracula, the WolfMan, and Frankenstein’s monster (who turns out to actually be of great help). Anna (Beckinsale) offers to help Van Helsing in order to get her revenge on Dracula for taking her family from her. This movie has great special effects and excellent battles. The cast does a great job of setting the mood and keeping the action energy always high.

Best Scene: The horse carriage scene where the characters attempt to escape.

Rated PG-13 for nonstop creature action violence and frightening images, and for sensuality.
Action
Running Time: 2 hours 12 minutes

Photo © Universal Studios. All Rights Reserved.

Miss (awful)- Starring Jay Mohr, Julianne Nicholson

Ed (Mohr) and Alice (Nicholson) are two months away from their wedding. Suddenly Alice gets a strong desire to have one last fling (or flings) before she settles down. Therefore Ed and Alice agree to “see other people” for the time being.

Why Jay Mohr, WHY? The one good thing about this movie is actors Jay Mohr and Julianne Nicholson. But even their charm and karisma could not save this movie from being a complete disaster. This Sundance film festival movie should have stayed there! Ok, so maybe I am being a little harsh but I really did not like this film. Bottom Line: See other movies.

Best Scene: The ending, complete with sprinklers.

R for strong sexual content, language and some drug material.
Comedy
1 hour 30 minutes

photo courtesy of upcomingmovies.com

“McHit” - Starring Morgan Spurlock

Super Size Me takes a daring look into the fast food industry from the point of the consumer. Morgan Spurlock is out to reveal how dangerous fast food can be to the human body. For 30 days, Morgan goes on a “McDiet,” eating only McDonald’s food for every meal. This movie is his personal video diary to document his progress throughout the diet.

I have learned a valuable lesson from this movie. The amount of sugar in all of the foods we eat (whether it is fast food or grocery store bought) is extremely harmful to our bodies. According to this movie, within the next 10 years, 1 in 3 children will be diagnosed with a form of diabetes. This needs to stop. Over the span of Morgan’s diet, he consumed 30 pounds of sugar! That is one pound of sugar per day. To help cut back on my own sugar intake, I have decided to no longer drink sodas and juices. Instead I will rely on milk and water relieve me from being parched. Bottom Line: this movie is an excellent lesson for people who are looking to watch what they eat. It is also an interesting lesson for parents in being able to see what their children consume in the school cafeteria. This movie will make parents want to pack a lunch for their child every school day.

Rated PG-13 for language, sex and drug references, and a graphic medical procedure.
Documentary
Running Time: 1 hour 38 minutes

Photo © Roadside Attractions. All Rights Reserved.